Will You Be My Bloody Valentine?

Updated: Jul 4, 2020

Valentine is a day for lovers, it’s said, where romance blooms and love is celebrated. Chocolates are passed out, dinners are eaten, and lots of steamy sex goes down. So they say. Most people embrace Valentine’s for the harmless fun it is, while others find it to be a very miserable, lonely experience. Nothing like not having a mate and then having that flaunted in your face for 24 hours. So for some, Valentine’s Day is not much fun and is, instead, quite depressing. It’s for those folks who are flying solo that this column is dedicated to. Here’s some bloodletting for your holiday, where you get to watch romance die in a pool of steaming guts and boiling screams. Here are three Valentine-themed films that would form a nice triple feature for your viewing pleasure. Watch them in this order, and enjoy!

Valentine (2001)

In which a nerdy boy is humiliated at a Junior High School dance and comes back years later for his bloody revenge. It’s Prom Night all over again! The killer wears a cool Cherub mask and does the whole weird, slinky Giallo killing thing with black gloves and that long, shiny knife. He offs a bunch of pretty people who were stars in the 90’s and would be stars in the 00’s. It’s not very bloody, which is the only real detriment to the film that I can see. It plays it safe, but the kills are fairly inventive and it’s a decent slasher. Bonus points for the killer who has nose bleeds of excitement as they kill, and that mask is extra creepy. A bit slow in parts, but it’s a great appetizer for what’s to come.

Two Buckets of Blood out of Four

My Valentine (2020)

This is part of the Into the Dark series on Hulu, so you can only watch it if you have H